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[01 May 2008|10:25am] please dont let me die like this. afraid of life, afraid of death, afraid of my mind, afraid of happiness, sadness, restlessness. afraid of beauty that i see and feel but terrified to absorb it. always so nervous about the future  and reflecting on other peoples pasts and my own that i forget what the present is and not realizing that my present is my future. i shape it and make it. nothing comes out of walking invisibly through life. there is evil and i hate it, yet i feed it. i feed it well. i inhale poison air and i breath and i breath and i breath til i start panting and it makes me tired. so god damn tired. i dont fight it. i complain about it and it sees my weakness and laughs and its belly gets full with my precious energy. kick me in the face. wake me the fuck up. going mad seeing that there is no hand reaching down for me from that light. the ladder is right there! climb out of that well and exhale. there ARE second chances. comment

[26 Apr 2008|09:45am] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | peter tosh ] Was your last kiss drunk or sober? drunk with sleepiness Why did your last relationship end? who cares she sucks Who did you last talk to on the phone for over 20 minutes? jen Where will you be in an hour? walking around and hoping my tan line will disappear What do you think about weed? <3 do you lead people on a lot? no people mistake my shyness for bitchiness so i lead people off Are you friends with your best friend's boyfriend or girlfriend? i like mike are looks important? if your an asshole are you mad at someone right now? screw being mad which is better sunrise or sunset? sunrise how many letters are in your last name? 7 do you live near your best friend? i live with him are you scared of spiders? spiders are cute what do you think of McLovin? whats that? ever talked to someone that was high? i talk to myself all the time two random facts about you? i dont shave my pits and i can clog like nobodies business do you have a facebook? yeah but once i made one i havent gone on there do you own a skirt? thats all i wear are you currently frustrated with a boy or girl? no are you excited for summer? stoked bro If it was free and it would work perfect would you get plastic surgery? gross have you ever slapped someone in the face? dont make me angry what is the closest thing to you that is blue? my underwear if you had to change your eye color would you? my eyes of mine are just fine last thing you wrote your name on? log off sheet at work when is the next time you will see your grandma? hopefully soon would you go in public without getting dressed up or put together? im never dressed up have you kissed or hugged someone today? yeah do people underestimate your intelligence? when they try to hurt my feelings but everyone knows i m a genius will you be married in the next two years? married to the sea would you rather have love or money? love do you know how to play poker? no any plans for the weekend? sun watchin what time do you get up in the morning? 5 do you eat ranch with your pizza? distgusto last person you IMed? ian do you prefer the ocean or the pool? salt life bitches are you a lost fanatic? i am a lost finatic, but not the tv show do you read books often? 1 a week what is the last book you read? i am reading on the road again for a lack of better reads in the house and the last book i finished was true hallucinations by terrence mckenna what is the color of your bedroom walls? flying colors last person to text you? jarrod how many people have seen you in your underwear? 10,000 comment

[07 Apr 2008|07:35pm] [ mood | jenkemed ] 2 - comment

[29 Feb 2008|05:56am] [ mood | depressed ] i am just documenting the time in my life where i have officially gone off the deep end. cheers to life and the many wonders of it 3 - comment

[23 Jan 2008|12:35am] To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. To dream of wood, suggests that you are feeling dead inside and emotionless. You may be behaving automatically and just going along with the flow. Or you may be acting out without fully thinking things through. To see nails in your dream, symbolizes long and hard work for little compensation and pay. To dream that you hurt yourself with a nail, suggests that you need to be careful with what you say. (i was in a pool being poked by broken blinds and plywood and nails and i was sucking in and spitting out dark green water). comment

boredom [22 Jan 2008|05:56am] [ mood | sleepy ] 1. How late did you stay up last night? went to bed like 9, didnt sleep til like 11 2. What was the first thing you thought this morning? trying to remember the dream i had last night. i know it was in my usual arabic market but thats all i remember. 3. Is the person you have a crush on older or younger than you? older 4. What did you do last night? drank beer and smoked dope 5. What are you doing this weekend? hopefully going to the knitting group in st auggie 6. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? duh 7. Do you own a stereo system that cost more than $100? i have no idea how much it costs 8. Has some of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it? well yeah 9. How's your heart lately? great 10. What were you doing this morning at 7am? i ll be driving 11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12pm? i'll be knitting and talking with jarrod and meg and translating some boring conversation 14. What was the reason you last cried? cause i m crazy 17. Why did you stop liking your last crush? she smells bad 18. Do you know someone with the initials M.P.? mary poppins 19. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? everyday? 20. How many red lights have you ran? alot 21. Have you ever cried while taking a shower? thats my preferred place to cry 22. What was your favorite grade in school? 5th. i got in a fight with this fat redneck girl because we were both married to taylor hanson and obviously, he was cheating on both of us. asshole 23. What were you doing at 12am last night? snugglin and dreamin 24. What's a sure way for the opposite sex catch your attention? to drop their pants and poop on the ground 25. Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted? yeah 26. When was the last time you were given a rose? um, 2 years ago i believe 28. Where did your last hug take place? my vehicle 29. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name? my name is meant to be mispelled 30. Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but..."? oh yeah 31. What did you do today? got up and took kevin to work, tried to run up the stairs and tripped and caught myself on the railing, made coffee, piddled, paddled, this 32. When was the last time you saw a cop? yesterday 33. Did you ride in someone else's car today? nope 34. Have you made a mistake in the past week? yeah 35. What are you listening to right now? castanets 36. Who was the last person to text you? data 37. Do you miss someone? yes 39. Are you happy with your life? absolutely 40. What's the last thing you drank? beer 41. Is there a feeling you're trying to avoid? im trying to not feel sleepy. 42. When was the last time you were on a plane? since i was a baby 44. What will you do Saturday? st augustine? 45. Do you have any siblings? 2 half brothers and 1 half sister 46. Do you look alike? no 47. What color are the walls in your bedroom? white 48. Are you named after a grandparent? i'm named after nikki on young and the restless. heh 49. Are you a heavy sleeper? yes 50. Who did you last hug? kev comment

[18 Jan 2008|06:14am] [ mood | poor ] [ music | jana hunter ] i ve run into some hard times and need extra cash, so i am going to custom knit stuff people want me to. whatever you want knit, i ll knit (um except a sweater or a blanket, i dont even have the patience to knit myself one). but anything else, all yours, hand knit by me. really, ANYTHING, i m desperate dudes. and if you dont have cash, and you want to get rid of something sweet i might take that instead. text/call at 8666203 or message me on here dont be shy in other news yesterday was kevin and i's 1 year anniversary it is a date we kind of made up because i forgot the date we first kissed, it was sometime before the 17th of last year, but i found this mix cd i made him on 1/17/07 and we met in the publix parking lot just so i could give him the cd on a rainy night, gave eachother a kiss looked at eachother really sweetly and parted ways, it was really sweet and it gave me butterflies and all that cute stuff so we just made jan 17th the date. we weren't "official" til like april i think, but we had already been seeing eachother and loving eachother since jan, but whatever. and boy do i love him. it's crazy, really. i got my elbows tattooed like a week ago. i now know what it feels like to have a child, it didnt help because i thought being super super stoned would help ease the pain. i'm an idiot. i lied, i only got one done but i m getting the other done sometime next week. and in like a month i am going to have to get the one i got tattooed already touched up in an extreme way so i have alot to look forward to. i have to go to work very soon so bye 7 - comment

[17 Dec 2007|07:08am] [ mood | peaceful ] i am going to read this book atleast once a month. so awesome. comment

[02 Nov 2007|05:07pm] [ mood | moody brooding ] eric, i tried calling you the other day but you didnt pick up and i have to tell you this dream i had before i forget so i am telling you on here. i had a dream that we were going through a museum, i think it was like, a car museum, but there were lots of whispers going around that you had died. it was in jacksonville, but when i went outside it had a PA feel, i dunno it was weird, but anyways so people were whispering that you had died and i started crying and freaking out and then i walked into the next room and there you were in an open casket. it was you, but it was yoda, except not green, and he had glasses like yours, and had alot of peach fuzz all over. and you were like hunched over and laying on your side kinda, like someone had just kinda plopped you in there. i dont know but i woke up crying but it took me a few seconds to realize it was a dream. i think the meaning is, you should call me. so life is cool. work is boring. everyone there is weirder than weird and i cant seem to hold a conversation with someone there that lasts more than 4 sentences. i guess they arent weird, i just have nothing in common with anyone so i dont really know where to begin to know what to talk about other than exchanging knitting tips with a couple girls that work there. i wish someone would come work with me so i could i dunno, speak. seriously, get ahold of me if you need a job, i need you. but i get ALOT of knitting and reading done so i guess its not too bad. went to see dr dog the other night and it was so much fun. drunken skinny dipping at the beach at midnight with my best friend and love of my life was awesome. i need a new bike. i bought a neat one from thrift town a couple weeks ago, but i didnt even get to ride it cause i didnt test ride it before i bought it to find out if it was an unfixable piece of shit, and it was. i m thinking about selling my knits. i do it so much i might as well get paid for it. let me know if you want a hand knit whatever and we can work something out. i m going home, i m at the library cause the comp is broke at home. i came here to looking for a tracking number and got distracted and have been here way too long now. late comment

[08 Oct 2007|12:03pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | akron/family ] i guess the soul purpose of this thing is just for when i get really really really bored. **Google image the answers and put the first image that comes up!!** What is your name? hahahaha Where do you live? Favorite band? Favorite movie? Favorite hobby? Favorite foods? favorite guilty pleasure: a celebrity you crush on: Where you'd like to travel to: comment

ah mean it! [12 Sep 2007|06:10am] [ mood | sleepy ] 21 in the 3 days. party 3 - comment

[30 Aug 2007|06:27am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | jandek ] jens wedding i'm getting this tattooed on me today, fo free and hopefully this makes you as happy as it makes me still a non-smoker tobacco smoker that is 3 - comment

[20 Aug 2007|02:58pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | billy boy ] cigarette free for almost a week now. oh my god comment

[16 Aug 2007|09:22am] [ mood | jumpy ] [ music | phosphorescent ] so i finally quit smoking. maybe i shouldnt announce it this early since it was only yesterday but this is it. i was even tested last night and i didnt break down. the night before last alicia and i went on a bike ride and i was just hammering on about how i/we didnt understand how something that makes you out of breath, makes you smell, wastes your money, makes your teeth yellow, makes messes, makes you sick, etc is so appealing. which it is! why, i have absolutely no idea. im sucking poison into my lungs, and for the past couple of months have developed old man lungs thats been smoking lucky strikes since he was 12 (its pretty gnarley and ugh) for pleasure and i love it so much and cant pinpoint why. so yeah we were going on and on about that and i didnt smoke the rest of the night. well i go to work the next morning (i now work at csd as a relay operator for the deaf btw, and i love it) and i get a break at 9, so i roll a cigarette, light it, get really really really grossed out for some reason and chuck it and throw away my tobacco. but anyways all day i wasnt really tempted, even when kevin bought beer (ok i was really tempted but the feeling was fleeting) until my phone mysteriously stopped working so i call my grandma and i ask her why isnt my phone working and she screams that she cut them all off and to go to "dunkin donuts or starburst to use a pay phone". just out of nowhere, not warning me or anything. seems bratty, but it was freak out time for me. sure, the only person i really have lengthy conversations on the phone with is jen but i mean, i NEED my phone. and i'm stressed out enough by everyday things and i dont need the crazy antics of a nutty old lady on me as well. i needed one soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, but kevin was my stress reliever, and made me forget all about trivial phones and cigarettes hah. i'm so ridiculous. my 21st birthday is less than a month away. i really hope i dont stray. no i KNOW i wont. i'm smarter than that. and besides if i pick one up then, itll be like it was when you were a little kid and smoked and were like ew, so yeah this is gonna be a breeze, i dont know what im stressing about. but ever since january i have lost over 30 pounds, and everyone i know has gained weight when they quit smoking, and i've enjoyed not being so chubby lately. but i dont have to worry about that because i'm poor and poor people don't eat that much even if they wanted to. anyways, so my best friend is getting MARRIED next friday. jen, that is. MARRIED. oi, life is soooo weird. geez. well its in a courthouse just so they can get legally married, but the ceremony isnt for a couple of months. in this ceremony i will dress up in a sauri and itll be fun. god. weird. dirty projectors in tally 9/22!! do make say think the next day. subhumans were my favorite band in 11th grade. and i am totally obligated to see them on the 14th, even if the whole place smells like BO and the people there will be obnoxious, i'm ready! 1 - comment

blahhhhhhhhhhhhh [10 Jul 2007|08:28pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | jana hunter ] 1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? penny 3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? my art teacher in 5th grade 4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? yes 5. What body part do you wash first? creepy 6. Do you have any piercings? no 7. Do you love someone? very much 8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? innerd 9. What's your favorite flavor Pringles? before i was vegan, the pizza ones 11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for? my step mom accused me of ordering pay per view porn and i didnt and got grounded for a month and it was really really fucked up cause she probably ordered it and didnt want to admit it to my dad. true story. 12. Do you know all of the different ninja turtles? leonardo, raphael, danatello, michael angelo 13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? no 14. How many times have you been cursed out? lost count 15. Which shoe do you put on first? right 16. How old are you? 20 17. Have you ever been to a gay bar and if so how many? yes, 4 18. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits? ya i guess i have 20. Did you french kiss before you were 16? yeah i did 21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? ew no 22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? my kev 23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? ya 24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? what kind of question is that? 25. Have you ever found anything in your parent's bedroom that was questionable? yes 26. What was your childhood nickname? baby nic nic, nickelodeon, nick at night, nicotrol, nicholas, oompa loompa, nicci "ed-is-a-man", and i'm sure many more 27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? yesterday actually 28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? cant say i have 29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? stuck my butt out the window at this girl and pooted 30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? yes 36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? not many 37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? not that i can remember 38. Do you know someone named rick? no 39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? fold 41. Do you have any strange phobias? mosquitos 42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? sure 44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? no 45. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name? no 47. Have you ever played naked twister? no 48. Have you ever been drunk at work/school? yes 49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? no comment

[19 Jun 2007|08:31am] i'm familiar with this way, i face this fear, i've been a slave, and each time i've earned the day, i've held a torch, it's gone away. and so what did i hold today? what was it that broke my days? was it the moon or the sunny rays? was it a bird? was it a Face? was it a Presence or escape? was it appetite and taste? well here I am at close of day. i'm at my bed and still in shape, i'm still afraid of close of day. my black eyes didn't go away. 2 - comment

[24 May 2007|05:36pm] [ mood | cool! ] http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/05/23/virgin.sharks.ap/index.html comment

[14 Oct 2006|11:00am] philadelphia in 4 days - calvin johnson. NYC!!!! jeff lewis!!! november 10th!! at the bowery ballroom. one of the places i've ALWAYS wanted to go. always. it's gonna be so awesome! very, very stoked! 2 - comment

[05 Sep 2006|12:36pm] friends only dudes comment

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